Two neighbors in Tampa, Florida, decided to share the cost of a lawnmower and purchased a brand new Black & Decker gas-powered model. In the spirit of further cooperation, the men decided to trim the hedge between their two yards. Standing one on either side of the hedge, they lifted the mower over the top and attempted to trim the shrubbery. The resulting kickback caused serious injury to both men, who in turn have successfully sued the manufacturer on the grounds that the machine's operating manual did not include any warning against using the mower for hedge trimming...and upside-down, it makes a great food processor... Police in Denver responded to a report of an intoxicated man in the middle of Lincoln street attempting to stop traffic with his bare hands. When the officers arrested the man, he became combative and informed them that he was "the president of the Colorado chapter of Hell's Angels," and that 47,000 of his friends would soon descend on the station if they didn't let him go. The biker hordes failed to show, and the man was released into the custody of his mother... Herman Gerguson of Omaha, Nebraska, saw a snake slither into a hole under his house. Thinking quickly, he jammed a burning newspaper into the hole. The siding caught fire, and the house burned to the ground... The Lexington, Massachusetts, Superintendent of Schools has announced some interesting additions to the school curriculum. New courses in drugs, smoking, and alcohol will be held as follows: Smoking will be taught in grade 6 and 7, alcohol in grades 8 and 11, and drugs in 9 and 12... not now, Mom, I'm studying for my drug test... We can't help but agree with the American Medical News, which stated in its review of an I.Q. longevity study that "those still alive at the age of 80 are more intelligent that those who died."... Richard Avella, a 350 pound New York man, entered a Long Island jewelry store, drew a gun, and told the clerk, "This is a stick-up," then tripped and fell to the floor. He was unable to get up before police arrived... A study at the Agean University in Ankara revealed that disco music causes homosexuality in mice... oh, but their little outfits are so cute... Officials from the Occupational Safety and Health Administration inspected their own offices and cited themselves on three safely violations...and if I don't get this taken care of right away, I'm going to have to shut me down... A Vermont man who stopped to help a stranded woman with a flat tire was injured when the jack slipped out from under the car and pinned him to the ground. As he writhed in pain under the weight of the car, the woman berated him for failing to complete the job. She then replaced the lug nuts, jacked the car off his body, told him, "The hospital is just down the road," and drove away... A man in York, England, signed up for the Special Olympics competition, and won several events, including the wheelchair discus throw. The man was disqualified, however, when several people recognized him as their mailman, a perfectly healthy fellow. When asked about the ruse, the man explained, "It's all a mistake. I'm sick."... After many years of trying, U.S. Public health workers report that they have finally succeeded in transferring gonorrhea from humans to chimpanzees... Juan Diaz of Tavara, Spain, got a prescription from his doctor for quinine tablets. He took one of the pills and died. Pharmacist Jose Mendoza swore to the police that his pills could not have killed Diaz. To prove it, he took one of the tablets. He also died... could we have one more volunteer, just to be sure?... When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, robber James Eliot peered down the barrel and tried it again. This time, it worked... Ron Hoffman of Crystal, Kentucky, picked up a machete and lopped off the red roof light of a Pennsylvania state police cruiser. After his arrest, Hoffman explained it was "just something he always wanted to do"... Some sad news today from Philadelphia: Dr. Edward Weiss has died following a heart attack. Dr. Weiss was best known for his book, "Don't Worry About Your Heart"... What did you dream last night? According to the Dictionary of Dreams, if you dream of seeing the dew at dawn, you have one loyal friend. If instead you dream of hitting someone with your fists, you will enjoy a long friendship...What do you say, let's be friends... 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. Police in New York City in March charged salesman 32 year-old Joel Levy with assault. According to police, Levy's live-in girlfriend arrived home unexpectedly after Levy called over a call girl. Levy improvised the plan to intercept Brandy, the call girl, in the building's lobby, have sex, and then run back upstairs before arousing suspicion in his girlfriend. When he saw a good-looking woman in the lobby, Levy thought it was Brandy, nudged her into the left, and pawed and fondled her while displaying a $50 bill saying "You know you want it, you know you'll do anything for it." The woman was not Brandy, but an assistant district attorney from Brooklyn. Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I., after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each, and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that police officers easily jumped him from behind. Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in Marchin Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.
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